I really wish this constant sadness would go away. I’m miserable.

I had my doctors appointment this morning at 10am.

It was bad news, as I expected. My hormone levels had dropped from 133 on Wednesday to 27 on Friday. I took a pregnancy test Saturday night because the wait til Monday was KILLING me, and it was negative. So I really wasn’t expecting much news today, but I did keep in the back of my mind that it could’ve been a false negative. I was HOPING for a false negative.

I’m a FIRM believer in “Everything happens for a reason”, so even though my heart is broken beyond belief, and I really don’t know how long it’ll take to mend, I know that I’m going to be just fine. This simply just was not my time.

JB will ALWAYS be in my heart. I have felt more love in the past 13 days than I EVER knew I was capable of. JB was my every thought, my every dream, my every conversation. That’s going to take time to get over, I guess, because she/he is still all I think about.

A friend commented on my Facebook earlier and said “So sorry to hear this, but GOD has plans for you and there is a momma in Heaven that needed little JB in her arms..just remember JB always..♥”

It broke my heart to read that, but I’m hope it’s true. Like I’ve said before, I’m not really sure what exactly I believe in, but I’m hoping that someone somewhere out that is taking amazing care of my little baby love.

This wasn’t the right time for me, nor was it the right person for me to have a child with. We weren’t even seeing each other for very long, and it was VERY unplanned. Although he’s an AMAING guy, it just made me realize how much in love with my ex girlfriend I am. JB brought us back together, and things are better than ever. She has been the most amazing support system through all of this. I couldn’t never even begin to explain to her how much I love her and how much she truly means to me. I’m amazed at the person/heart she’s shown me lately. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her, and have more babies with her than she’ll know what to do with, whether she’s ready for my dream of 5 children, or not ;)

JB,

Even though Mommy is the most sad I’ve ever been in my life, I’m going to stay strong for you, baby. Even though you’re not here, I’ll still think about you, always. I’ll still love you, always. You changed my life and my heart more than I ever thought was possible. I’m so thankful that I had you for the short time that I did. You’re the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. I love you SO MUCH baby.

I’m really feeling like I’m not going to get good news on Monday. I’m really dreading going to my appointment. :’(

One day closer to knowing that you, my little baby love, are 100% perfect.

It’s hard staying so positive all of the time, especially when you know that something might be wrong. It’s draining beyond belief. I have SO MANY people in my life praying for you and staying positive though. I couldn’t go to sleep last night because I was so sad and I couldn’t stop crying. I know that you can feel every emotion that I feel, so Mommy tries her hardest to be strong for you, JB.

On a lighter note, I can’t wait to find out if you’re a baby girl or a baby boy! You’re going to be Carsyn Olivia or Holden Michael. I LOVE JB, but I can’t wait to call you by your REAL name.

I love you so much, baby. 

I’m not really sure who I’ve been praying to, but I’ve been praying more for you than I’ve ever prayed in my entire life, JB. Im so anxious for Monday to hear some news about you, my little love.

I don’t care who you chose to pray to, but when/if you do, include my little JB in that prayer. We need all that we can get.

five facts about me:  

 -I’m 21 years old

 -I’m obsessed with the Florida Gators (Hopefully you’ll go to UF one day, JB<30

  -I’m in love with my best friend and I hope this feeling never goes away.

  -I used to do A LOT of “bad” things, but I have NO interest in doing anything of that nature anymore.

   -Within the next 5 years I want to go to nursing school and become a pediatric oncology nurse.